Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
