you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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