I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
