i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
