im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
