I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize