u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
