I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
