and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
God gave him joint rollers for hands
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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