Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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