My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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