So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
