How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
