Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
