I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
