I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
