the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
