Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Acid is not a monday night drug
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
