just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
