I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
