apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
