theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
