remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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