He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
