either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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