went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
