I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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