oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
