After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
