...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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