True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
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