Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
When are your genitals available?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
