I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
