i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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