Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
i am craving dick and cupcakes
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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