I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
