If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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