THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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