fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
