So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Never joke about your clitoris.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
