I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
