idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
