Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
