sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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