I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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