Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
