Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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