he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
