My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
