look no pants
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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