hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
