The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
