Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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