My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
