can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
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