the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize