i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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